No weddings, please!

It's early 1970's.......... Free, Bowie, Yes, Uriah Heep, Jethro Tull, King Crimson, Zeppelin, Purple, Hendrix, Gong and many more, laid the foundations of my artistic endeavours. A touch of synaethesia helped me along too...............
As I blundered into my teenage years, these were my most profound influences. Roger Dean, who created such fabulous art for the band "YES", and many others, spoke to me in wordless certainty.
Would I be an artist, a musician, a poet? Surely........... Yet perhaps not.................................. 

I lurched from job to job. Some related to art, some not. I trained as a psychiatric nurse, but to no avail. It just wasn't me.
All this time I continued to take photographs. Sometimes purely for my own amusement and learning, sometimes as paid assignments. During these years I sampled the delights of Minolta, Canon, Pentax, Mamiya, Praktica, Voitlander and any number of SLR's and TLR's  
I never used a Nikon though, and to date, I still haven't. Don't have anything against them at all, but I just never used one. Very odd!
BEWARE THE WEDDING JOBS!


Wedding photographers are a hardy crew. They endure more than any artist should have to. I'm not knocking weddings, no! Weddings are a good Christian (?)  practise, the very foundation of a stable family life. The wedding photographer though is a tough beast, some male, some female, all prepared to do battle with the families, friends, hangers-on, and even the happy couple themselves!
Now I know that a wedding is a happy time, a time for celebration and song. Isn't it? Yes, of course it is.................. But not always................
The "I'm-a-pro" relative.
I never intended to be a wedding photographer, and I never will be, but.......................

One day at church was a wedding day. The son of somebody-or-other had an SLR. Not a DSLR, you understand, but a 35mm film SLR.  Well, he looked the part: Nikon camera, thundering great big flashgun, all the poses, (and that was just the photographer), all the big talk. Great, what a pro!

At the end of the service, (not the reception), he produced two 35mm film canisters and said to the Vicar, "there you go, mate! Take 'em to Boots or something!"  Dont believe me? I have witnessess!!! Worse is to come though...............

This fellow's pictures were  well, awful. Blurred, badly composed, out of focus. Terrible.
The Vicar came to me..... "Did you take many pictures?"  
ME?
"Yes you!"
I had taken many pictures. About 200 on a point and shoot. I wasn't there to take serious pictures after all! I didn't WANT to!

LUMBERED
Before I knew what was happening, I found that I had been asked to shoot the next wedding "properly." 
Ok, fine..... Just this one.  Or two..... Or three... Or four...... Then it happened. 

THE WEDDING FROM HELL!
"These poor young people cant afford a decent wedding,"  Reverend Jiggy said. "Will you help them out, you know?" Oh dear. Here we go..............

I spoke to the couple. They seemed nice enough. They couldn't afford a Honeymoon, nor a proper reception. The ring was from Woolworths, and the dress from Oxfam. I was caught.
"We can pay you a little for prints", they said. "We sold our dog *** (see footer) for £250. Will that do?"
"Yes, of course!" says muggins..........

So, I attend the wedding. Never before have I seen people take money OUT of the collection. Never before have I heard the Bride's mother say that she wished the Vicar would shut up about " ****** God."  Never have I been abused and insulted by the wedding guests before, but... I agreed to do the job, so I did.
6 Hours were spent at that wedding from hell, plus 4 hours preparing proof sheets.

Off I then went to the home of the newly weds to show them the image choices. I noticed the new TV, flanked by the shiny new HIFi as I walked in, but didn't realise what was coming next.
"We don't want no pictures............. Our uncle gone an' took some snaps, dinnee?"
See, dear reader? This was a favour. I was trying to help. There was no deposit, no contract, nothing but good faith.

I NEVER did a wedding again. NEVER. I never will. I turned 8 down in the last 18 months even though I make it clear that I DON'T DO WEDDINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*** Not literally true, dear reader).